When an asteroid the size of Texas is headed for Earth the world’s best deep core drilling team is sent to nuke the rock from the inside.
Harry Stamper: Bruce Willis, AJ Frost: Ben Affleck, Rockhound: Steve Buscemi, Charles ‘Chick‘ Chapple: Will Patton, Oscar Choi: Owen Wilson, Jayotis‘Bear‘ Kurleenbear: Michael Clarke Duncan, Lev Andropov: Peter Stormare, Max Lennert: Ken Campbell, Col. Sharp: William Fitchner, Dan Truman: Billy Bob Thornton, Karl: John Mahon
11kpeople_arm.wav – Truman: “Now, big Ross, I want you to get on the telephone and wake up 11 thousand people.”
5-11words_arm.wav AJ: You know, Harry, there are only 5 words I want to hear from you right now. Those words are, ‘You know, AJ, I really look up to you. You’ve been a hero of mine for a long time, and I’m very impressed with your work and I’m emotionally closed off..’ Well, that’s like, 11 words, or something. How about just, ‘AJ I’m sorry and I love ya’ Harry: You know AJ, there’s not a job on the planet I want you to work with me on… and I mean that.
allfunny_arm.wav – AJ: It’s all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg!
asrealasitgets_arm.wav – Truman: “This is as real as it gets.”
badidea_arm.wav – Bear: Just for the record, this is a very bad idea.
beam-me-up_arm.wav – Rockhound: Beam me up, Scotty.
beyondpissed_arm.wav – AJ: Did you want to see me? Harry: Yeah, I was lookin’ for you. AJ: You’re pissed, I can see that. Harry: No, AJ, I’m not pissed. You’ve seen me pissed. I’m way beyond pissed.
bitofprob_arm.wav – AJ: Ahhh… this could be a little bit of a problem.
burnin_arm.wav– Karl: I’m on to something big, here. I don’t know what this is, but it looks like somethin’s burning up there.
callmedad_arm.wav – Harry: I have asked you repeatedly to call me dad.
clocktickn_arm.wav – Max: Guys, the clock is ticking. Let’s go go go go go!!!!
cominhome_arm.wav – Sharp: Houston, we’re coming home.
cowboys_arm.wav – Pretty intense, huh. Lev: That’s why I told you ‘touch nothing’ but you’re a bunch of cowboys.
demands_arm.wav Truman: So, what’s the verdict? Harry: They’ll do it. They’ve made a few requests, though. Truman: Such as? Harry: … <snip> … Yeah, one more thing. None of them want to pay taxes again… ever.
dial911_arm.wav Somebody dial 9-1-1!!!
digdigdig_arm.wav Harry: Dig dig dig. Chew this iron bitch up.
dottie_arm.wav Karl: The person that finds her gets to name her, right? Truman: Yes, that’s right. That’s right. Karl: I want to name her Dottie, after my wife. She’s a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.
drseussnightmare_arm.wav Rockhound: This place is like Dr. Suess’ worst nightmare.
explosives_arm.wav Rockhound: Why do I do this? Because the money’s good, the scenery changes, and they let me use explosives, okay?
funbefdie_arm.wav Rockhound: Just tryin’ to have some fun before I die!
getahug_arm.wav Bear: I am not crazy. I’m just a little emotional right now, okay? You’re all throwin’ all this stuff at me, man. I mean, after this is over could I, like, get a hug from you or something?
getin_arm.wav AJ: Get in here, we gotta go!
globalkiller_arm.wav President: Is this… going to hit us? Truman: We’re efforting that as we speak, sir. Pres: What kind of damage? Truman: Damage? Total, sir. It’s what we call a global killer. The end of mankind. No matter where it hits, nothing will survive – not even bacteria. Pres: My God. What do we do?
godhelp_arm.wav Harry: Come on, God. Just a little help, that’s all I’m askin’. 2: I think we’re close enough he might have heard you.
gohome_arm.wav Harry: Let’s get that bomb ready and go home.
gonogo_arm.wav Alright, flight directors, I want the go/no-go for launch – Retro? go flight Booster? go flight Inko? go flight Trajectory? go flight FIDO? go flightEVA? go flight CapCom3? go flight CapCom independent? go flight Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it’s pucker time.
goodjob_arm.wav Good job.
goodscared_arm.wav Harry: How ya’ feelin,? 2: Uh, good, you know. Considering I’ve never been this scared in my entire life.
grandcanyon_arm.wav AJ: This is great. We just happen to run into the Grand Canyon on the asteroid?
greektragedy_arm.wav Rockhound: Wow, this is a God damned Greek tragedy.
hateknowing_Rm.wav Rockhound: Oh, God, I hate knowing everything.
haveprob_arm.wav Harry: Houston, you have a problem.
hazardpay_arm.wav Rockhound: I don’t mean to be the materialistic weasel of this group, but, do you think we’ll get hazard pay out of this?
helgashouseofpain_arm.wav Rockhound: Must be a comfort to know that if the space program ever goes under you can always get a job at Helga’s House of Pain.
herostuff_arm.wav Choi: Guys, this is like deep blue hero stuff.
holdon_arm.wav AJ: So, this is the part where we’re supposed to just hold on real tight and hope we don’t die.
howold_arm.wav Rockhound: Would you like another drink? Girl: Yeah. FBI: Sir, FBI. We have a National Security matter. Rockhound: Good for you. FBI: Let’s go… Now! Rockhound: How old are you?
icanexplain_arm.wav AJ: Okay, I can explain this. Harry: You can explain that? AJ: I can. Harry: I would really like to have an explanation.
imagenius_arm.wav Rockhound: Segment 202, lateral grid 9, site 15-H32, give or take a few yards. Captain America here blew the landing by 26 miles. Guy: How do you know that? Rockhound: Because I’m a genius.
isitnormal_arm.wav Chick?: Is this supposed to be like this? Choi: Don’t worry, this is normal. Bear: How would you know!!??
kickballs_arm.wav Watts: Bear! Bear: Yes? Watts: Do we have a problem? Bear: No. Watts: Because I’m trying to describe to you how these D-A-Ts keep your ass on the ground. So that if I were to kick you in the balls and you don’t know how to work them, what happens to you? Bear: I float away. Watts: Yeah.Rockhound: And, uh, when do we start training for that?
lackoptions_arm.wav Grace: Listen, Harry, AJ is my choice. My choice and not yours. Harry: He’s the only one in your age bracket, Grace. It’s not a choice, it’s a lack of options.
lesscaffeine_arm.wav Back in, uh, n-n 1974, we we first got the idea… the possibility… that a meteor, or an asteroid… Truman: I need somebody that’s had a little less caffeine this morning. Doc, translate.
loss4words_arm.wav AJ: I’m… at a loss for words.
lowestbidder_arm.wav Rockhound: Hey, Harry. Harry: Yeah, Rock. Rockhound: You know we’re sitting on 4 million lbs of fuel, one nuclear weapon, and a thing that has 270 thousand moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn’t it? Harry: Yeah.
madeintaiwan_arm.wav Lev: They’re components. American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!
makedepth_arm.wav Harry: I have been drilling holes in the earth for 30 years. And I have never… never missed a depth that I have aimed for. By God I will not miss this one. I will make 800 feet.
makepeace_arm.wav Harry: Make your peace with God!
makeupmind_arm.wav Rockhound: Oh, come on. We’re staying. We’re going. We’re staying. We’re going. Make up your mind!
naturalimaturity_arm.wav Grace: Look, I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity and I forgive you.
neversawstarwars_arm.wav AJ: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel? Lev: No, I never saw Star Wars.
nofollow_arm.wav Truman: This is one order you shouldn’t follow and you f***ing know it!!
noidea_arm.wav Lev: Do you know what you’re doing there? AJ: No. No. You know what? I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea. This button? I don’t know what that does. Okay? All I know is that we just crashed back there, I lost 2 of my friends, we’re 25 miles from Harry’s shuttle, we don’t know if he’s alive, we don’t know if he can fly. All I know is, there’s a beep on this thing and I’m trying to get us there.
notaxes.wav Harry: Yeah, one more thing… uh… none of them want to pay taxes again… ever.
notlookgood_arm.wav Truman: We’re not looking too good right now. Controller: No shit.
notnormal_arm.wav Choi: This isn’t normal. AJ: What do you mean this isn’t normal? Choi: This is way worse!
offnuke_arm.wav Rockhound: Ride ’em cowboy! Yippie-ki-o-ki-ay. Sharp: Get off… the nuclear… warhead.
owe100K_arm.wav Chick: I never told anybody this before, but I hate flying so it would be an awful shame to die now. Rockhound: That’s easy for you to say. I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds. Chick: Oh, that’s bad.
phonebook_arm.wav Karl: GO GET MY GODDAM PHONE BOOK!!!!!
potatogun_arm.wav We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense and here we are. The fate pf the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn’t trust with a potato gun.
probcol_arm.wav Harry: Is there a problem, Colonel?
queasy_arm.wav Sharp: We’re gonna dock in a minute. Now, the Russian space station has fired her rockets to simulate gravity and let us work faster. It’s gonna make you queasy, so prepare yourself. Rockhound: It’s about time. I haven’t thrown up in about an hour.
saveworld.wav Harry: The United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody want to say no?
shootyou_arm.wav He’s gonna shoot you. AJ: No, he’s not. [SFX shotgun blast]
sizeoftx_arm.wav Pres: Enough with this anomaly horse shit. What is this thing? Truman: It’s an asteroid, sir. Pres: How big are we talking? Tech: Sir, our best estimate is… Truman: It’s the size of Texas, Mr. President.
stoledesign_arm.wav Harry: Let me get this straight. I got pulled off an oil rig, flown half way around the world, because you stole my drill design, couldn’t read the plans right, and did a piss-poor job of putting it together.
SUCKSUPHERE_ARM.wav Max: God, it sucks up here.
sumthin-new_arm.wav Chick: Well this is somethin’ new.
takecare_arm.wav Harry?: Take care of yourself, kid.
tempinsane_arm.wav Rockhound: This is illegal, man. Harry: I’m temporarily insane, Rock, it’s alright.
uhoh_arm.wav Max: Uh oh
wannasayno_arm.wav Harry: The United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody want to say no?
waywrong_arm.wav Harry: Way wrong answer!! [SFX shotgun]
weknowyouknow_arm.wav Truman: When we know, you’ll know.
whatdwemiss_arm.wav Rockhound: Alright… what’d we miss?
whokill.wav Harry: Hey, you guys wouldn’t be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would you?
willitwork_arm.wav AJ: Is this gonna work? Lev: I don’t know.
worstpartsofbible_arm.wav Truman: If news like this got out, there’d be an overnight breakdown of basic social services worldwide. Rioting, mass religious hysteria, total chaos, you can imagine. Basically the worst parts of the bible.
yourenasa_arm.wav Harry: You’re NASA, for crying out loud, you put a man on the moon, you’re geniuses, you’re the guys that think this shit up.
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