Wacky hijinks of counselors and campers at a less-than-average summer camp.

Tripper Harrison: Bill Murray, Morty: Harvey Atkin, Roxanne: Kate Lynch, Crockett: Russ Banham, Spaz: Jack Blum, Larry Finkelstein (Fink): Keith Knight, Hardware: Matt Craven, Rudy: Chris Makepeace

200hookers_mb.wav Tripper: But the real excitement, of course, is going to come at the end of the summer during sexual awareness week. We import 200 hookers from around the world and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can.  And the winner, of course, is named king of sexual awareness week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.

6nurses_mb.wav Female?: I’m looking forward to some action this summer. I hope you and your gentlemen can supply it for me. Tripper: Well I can supply it but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz. Female: Spaz? Tripper: He’s a sex machine. Female: Are you kidding me? He couldn’t wake me up with a trumpet and a drum. Tripper: Well, I went out with him one night. And he got us six nurses – by himself – and four of them couldn’t report to work the next morning.

atomicsc_mb.wav Tripper: The atomic skull crusher!

caravanho_mb.wav Tripper: Caravaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!  Hooooooooooooooooooo!!

CITsong_mb.wav CITs: [singing] We are the CITs so pitty us.  The kids are brats, the food is hideous.  We’re gonna smoke and drink and fool around – we’re nookie bound – we’re North Star CITs (repeats)

comeinside_mb.wav Tripper: Come on inside Frankenstein, I’ll buy you a cocktail.

countdown_mb.wav Hardware: Are you ready? Group: I’m ready! Hardware: Alright. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Do it! [SFX: shorting wires]

cutecrockett_mb.wav Female: That Crockett’s really cute. Kid: Yeah, but he can’t play basketball worth a shit.

deprkid_mb.wav Tripper: You must be the short, depressed kid that we ordered.

doesntmatter.wav Tripper: It JUST DOESN’T MATTER!

doesntmatter-speech.wav Tripper: But it doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.  It just doesn’t matter… [chanting]… And even if we win… if we win… HA!… even if we win. Even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days… even if God in heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the field… Even if every man, woman, and child held hands together and prayed for us to win it just wouldn’t matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they’ve got all the money. It just doesn’t matter if we win or we lose.  It Just Doesn’t Matter!! It just doesn’t matter!! [chanting continues]

ear_mb.wav Tripper: Watch out for the ear, Rudy, look out!!

fineoldbus_mb.wav Kid: This bus does not have a safety inspection sticker. Morty: It’s a fine old bus. Kid: No it’s not . It is a piece of junk. I need to tell my father and he’s going to report you to the department of motor vehicles… Morty: Roxanne!! Kid: And you’re going to jail.  You know, jail?… behind bars?

himickey_mb.wav Morty: Lookit, there’s a lot of new people out there this year so before we go any further, I want to introduce myself. My name is Morty Melnick.  Group: HI, MICKEY!!

homo_mb.wav Larry: What are you a homo, or what?

hunters_mb.wav Tripper: Important announcement – Some hunters have been seen in the woods near piney ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you’re hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.

illgetem_mb.wav Tripper: I’ll get ’em.  I’ll get ’em with this Swiss army knife…

jackiewants_mb.wav Larry: There’s jackie, why don’t you go ask her to dance? Spaz: Nah. That Wend’s driving me wild. Larry: Yeah, but Jackie wants it.

lightsout_mb.wav Tripper: Attention all campers – it’s now 9:30… and that’s lights out time.

makeupmind_mb.wav Tripper: Come on, Morty! Make up your mind!

noques_mb.wav Tripper: NO QUESTIONS DOGFACE!

oreallybelch_mb.wav Tripper belches “Oh really? Really?”

pacing_mb.wav Tripper: What’s the matter with you? You’re pacing like an expectant father with the clap.

seriousparty_mb.wav Tripper: Now, the serious partying can begin.

staring_mb.wav Spaz: I think that chick over there is staring at me.

training_mb.wav Tripper: Do your own training, son. I want you to run two miles today and two and a half tomorrow. Rudy: I’ve never run that far. Tripper: Neither have I but somebody’s got to do it.

uhadit_mb.wav Larry: I thought you said you had it, meatball.

uradick_mb.wav Crocket: Hardware. Hardware: Yeah, Crockett? Crockett: You’re a dick.

wakefrog_mb.wav Kid: Mister, could you help me wake up my frog?

warnme_mb.wav You mook! Why don’t you warn me when you’re going to play with your dynamite?

winner_mb.wav Morty: The winner!! [fanfare] [SFX: BELCH]

zuccini_mb.wav Tripper: Enough of this playing for peanuts. Tomorrow we play for real stakes – zucchini.