A rusty sub. A rebel commander. A renegade crew. When destiny called, they should have hung up.  Lt. Cmdr Tom Dodge (Kelsey Grammer) is one of the Navy’s best, even if he is a bit unconventional. But to take command of his own ship, he must first prove himself in simulated combat. Dodge is put in command of the rusty and outdated USS Stingray. His crew consists of the Navy’s worst misfits and troublemakers. And to add salt to an open wound, Dodge’s old rival, Adml. Graham (Bruce Dern), will be supervising the opposing team, the crew of the more-up-to-code USS Orlando.

 Lt. Cmdr. Thomas ‘Tom’ Dodge: Kelsey Grammer, Lt. Emily Lake: Lauren Holly, Executive Officer Martin T. ‘Marty’ Pascoe: Rob Schneider, CPO Howard: Harry Dean Stanton, RAdm. Yancy Graham: Bruce Dern, Cmdr. Carl Knox: William H. Macy, Seaman Buckman: Ken Hudson Campbell, Seaman Nitro ‘Mike’: Toby Huss, Planesman 1st Class Jefferson ‘R.J.’ Jackson: Duane Martin, Engineman 1st Class Brad Stepanak (Winslow): Bradford Tatum,Seaman 2nd Class E.T. ‘Sonar’ Lovacelli: Harland Williams, Vice Adm. Dean Winslow: Rip Torn

approachbottom_dp.wavSonar: Approaching the bottom, sir. I can hear a coupla lobsters dukin’ it out.

balls2walls_dp.wavLake: All ahead 2/3, rudder amidships, zero bubble, steady [ports] two-seven-zero, BALLS TO THE WALL, BOYS!

bandaid_dp.wav Pascoe: Buckman! There was a fingernail in my food! Yesterday, it was a band-aid! Buckman: Sorry, sir, the band-aid was holding the fingernail on.

blowdown_dp.wav The crew sings “Yo ho and blow the man down”. Nitro: Blow that not-so-kooky punk back downtown.

bringforth_dp.wav Dodge: Captain Blood, bring forth the prisoner.

creamedcorn_dp.wav Pascoe: Jesus, Buckman, this stuff’s been on the Stingray since Korea! This can expired in 1966. Buckman: What’s the matter, sir? It still tastes like creamed corn. Pascoe: Except, it’s deviled ham! Buckman: That would be a problem.

crewfromhell_dp.wav Dodge: Nice pants. Lose the cigar. Oh, you better burn that shirt, sailor… it’s the crew from hell.

doneit_dp.wav Dodge: Oh, gee, now I’ve gone and done it.

dressrehearsal_dp.wav Stepanak: DRESS REHEARSAL FOR HELL, BOYS!!!

droped45cents_dp.wav [SFX] Sonar: Sir. It’s the Orlando… somebody just dropped 45 cents. Dodge: Are you sure? Sonar: Yeah. A quarter and 2 dimes.

dryers_dp.wav Howard: Bet you never saw anything like that on those big nukes? Nitro: Oh, no, we didn’t have clothes lines. We had those dryer things… with a window in the front.

electrician_dp.wav Nitro: 1-B… cold.  1-C…[SNAP]… hot! Dodge: Lemme guess, our electrician?

everythingon_dp.wav Sonar: Active sonars in all quadrants, sir. Air, ship, ocean floor sensors… they got everything on. Nitro: Arrr.

getupthere_dp.wav Dodge: Oh, get up there you miserable little puke!

higher-rank_dp.wav Graham: You watch yourself, Dodge. You’re addressing a superior officer. Dodge: No, merely a higher ranking one. Catch us if you can.

hotnoise_dp.wav Con, sonar. Hot noise in the water.

iceberg_dp.wav Nitro: Cool. Did we hit an iceberg? Sonar: Off the coast of Virginia?

kickpig_dp.wav Dodge: Alright, gentlemen, let’s kick this pig!

kickpig2_dp.wav Dodge: Alright, everybody, it’s time to kick this pig! Leave Graham squealing from the feeling. Helm: Squeaking from the freaking. Buckman: Oinking from the boinking.

launchbuckman_dp.wav Dodge: Somebody find Buckman, launch him out a torpedo tube.

lotavoltage_dp.wav Nitro sings in a Sanatra-like voice [SFX: electrical snaps] and launches into play-by-play. Dodge: That boy’s absorbed a lotta voltage.

lovejob_dp.wav Dodge: God, I love this job.

nitrosnick_dp.wav Buckman: The name’s Buckman. Nitro: Uh… Nitro, hi. Buckman: Interesting nickname, what’s your real name? Nitro: Nitro. I’m working on a nickname, though. Buckman: Oh yeah? Nitro: Yeah. Listen to this… Mike.

parrot_dp.wav Buckman: Hey, Nitro, isn’t that one of my chickens? Nitro: Uh, no, it’s a parrot… from the Caribbean. Buckman: Don’t let it fly away, that’s supper. Nitro: Arrr.

pinged_dp.wav [PING] Sonar: AH! Geez! Just been pinged big-time, sir. [good IRC sound]

playdirge_dp.wav Dodge: Play me a dirge, matey.

probscovered_dp.wav Stepanak: What’s going on? Any way I can cause a problem? Sonar: No, we’re pretty well covered for now. [good error sound]

radiocall_dp.wav Nitro: Radio call for you, Captain. Some guy named Graminhamham…

rukidding_dp.wav What? You kiding?

sewshut_dp.wav Helm: Someone ought to sew his ass shut.

swisscar_dp.wav Nitro: Radio’s working like a Swiss… car.

tattoo_dp.wav Graham: There is physical evidence that, as an ensign, Dodge became so physically intoxicated that he not only allowed himself to be tattooed, but tattooed on his genitalia. Now, call me a prude if you want, but I don’t think it’s good policy for the Navy to hand over a billion-dollar piece of equipment to a man who has “Welcome Aboard” tattooed on his penis!

tattoodick_dp.wav Admiral: I want a man with a tattoo on his dick! Do I have the right man? Dodge: By a strange coincidence, you do, sir.

tetanus-shot_dp.wav Dodge: Speaking of age, what do you think about our boat, Paschal? Pascoe: I feel I need a tetanus shot just looking at it. The only thing holding it together are the bird droppings, sir.

thatwasfun_dp.wav Stepanak: Now that was fun.

tickle_dp.wav Nitro: [SNAP] OH! that’s a little tickle….

tiltcheck_dp.wav Nitro: I better go see if any of the other rooms are still tilted.

underwater_dp.wav Pascoe: Prepare for dive! [sirens and calls cascade through the ship] Nitro: Uh… does he mean… under water?

waddayathink_dp.wav Admiral: Whadaya think, Mr. Dodge? Dodge: I think I’m gonna get my ass kicked, sir. Admiral: Aw, don’t think like that! Dammit to hell, don’t go by the book! Think like a pirate. I want a man with a tattoo on his dick! Do I have the right man? Dodge: By a strange coincidence, you do, sir.

whalecall1_dp.wav Sonar imitates a biological for the Orlando’s sonar.

whalecall2_dp.wav Sonar imitates a biological for the Orlando’s sonar.

whaleclicks_dp.wav Sonar imitates a biological for the Orlando’s sonar.

what_dp.wav Nitro: What!?

workedsofar_dp.wav Stepanak: Actually, sir, I think we prefer to go with the bizarre and risky… it’s worked for us so far.