An airplane crew takes ill. Surely the only person capable of landing the plane is an ex-pilot afraid to fly. But don’t call him Shirley.

Ted Striker: Robert Hays, Elaine Dickinson: Julie Hagerty, Steven McCrosky: Lloyd Bridges, Dr. Rumack: Leslie Nielson, Cpt. Kramer: Robert Stack, Cpt.Oveur: Peter Graves, Johnny: Stephen Stucker

AMPHETIM.WAVMcCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

AMPHETS.WAVMcCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.

AUNTIEM.WAVJohnny: AUNTIE EM! TOTO! IT’S A TWISTER! IT’S A TWISTER!

CLRNCVEC.WAVRoger: We have clearance Clarence. Clarence: Roger, Roger. What’s our vector, Victor?

DISCO.WAV – WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever [sound of antenna being ripped off]

DRESS.WAVJohnny: Where did you get that dress? It’s awwwful! and those shoes, and that coat – geeeeze.

DRINKIN.WAVMcCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinkin’

EBONICS.WAV – One of the black guys describes what happened to the plane… in jive.

FINGER.WAVKramer: Get that finger out of your ear! You don’t know where that dinger’s been.

HOLDMAYO.WAVCpt. Oveur: Alright, give me Ham on 5, hold the Mayo.

JIVE.WAVB. Billingsley: Oh, stewardess. I speak jive.

LASAGNE.WAVRumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight? J. Elaine: Well, we had a choice: steak or fish. Rumack: Yes, I remember, I had lasagne.

LEONLRGR.WAV – Bad news, the fog is getting thicker. Johnny: And Leon’s getting laaaaarrrrrger.

MAYDAY.WAV – Striker: Mayday! McCrosky: Mayday, what the hell is that for? Johnny: Mayday!? Why, that’s the Russian new year.  You know, we’ll have a big parade and serve hot hors dervs… [I know it’s misspelled]

MEJOHN.WAV Kramer: Alright, I’ll need three men up in the tower. You, Newbauer – You, Macias. Johnny: Me John, big tree!

NAKED.WAVOveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?

ORIGAMI.WAVMcCrosky: Johnny, what can you make out of this? Johnny: This?… Why, I could make a hat, or a brooch, or a pterodactyl…

PANIC.WAVStriker: Chicago, the passengers are beginning to panic… when do we start down?

RATS.WAVStriker: Oh, rats!

RDY2TAXI.WAVOveur: two-oh-niner to ground control, we’re ready to taxi.

REAGNFLM.WAV – I haven’t felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.

SALE.WAVKramer: Passengers sure to die! McCrosky: Airline negligent? Johnny: There’s a sale at Penny’s!!

SMOKIN.WAVMcCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smokin’

SNIFFIN.WAVMcCrosky: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffin’ glue.

SURELY.WAVStriker: Surely you can’t be serious? Rumack: I am serious. And, don’t call me Shirley.

SURELY2.WAVStriker: Surely there must be something you can do. Rumack: I’m doing everything I can. And stop calling me Shirley.

TOWER.WAVMcCrosky: We’re going to the tower. Johnny: The tower? The tower? Rappunzel!! Rappunzel!! [how DO you spell that, anyway?]

TRUTH.WAVElaine: What happened, Ted. What went wrong?

WHTHAPND.WAVElaine: What happened, Ted. What went wrong?

WHTPLANE.WAVReporter: What kind of plane is it? Johnny: Oh it’s a big, pretty, white plane with red stripes and curtains in the windows, and wheels… it looks like a big Tylenol!