The two best hired guns in the West must save President Grant from the clutches of a 19th century inventor-villain.

Jim West: Will Smith, Artemis Gordon: Kevin Kline, Dr. Arliss Loveless: Kenneth Branaugh, Rita Escobar: Salma Hayek, General ‘Bloodbath’ McGrath: Ted Levine

alittlehelp_w3.wav West: Didn’t mean to startle you, m’am, you looked like you could use a little help.

badnitrotransport_w3.wav West: THIS IS NOT THE WAY YOU TRANSPORT NITRO!

careerdecision_w3.wav West: That’d be an awful career decision, darlin’.

clevergordon_w3.wav President: You’re clever, Gordon. One day it’s going to get you killed.

damn_w3.wav West: Damn!

darksituation_w3.wav Loveless: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. How did we arrive in this dark situation.

defygravity_w3.wav Coleman: The President thought you two could use a little lookin’ after, but I draw the line at defying gravity so… good luck.

distraction_w3.wav West: I told you she’d be a distraction. Gordon: Distraction? It’s nice having her on board, she a breath of fresh ass. West: Pardon me?Gordon: What? West: You said ass. Gordon: No I didn’t. All I said was it’s nice having her on board, she a breast of fresh air. West: Whatever. Let’s just get some shut-ass.

dontdothat_w3.wav [explosion] Gordon: Very good. President: Don’t do that again.

dontwannado_w3.wav West: You don’t wanna do that.

dropin_w3.wav Gordon: Hoooow nice of you to drop in.

finespider_w3.wav President: That’s a fine looking spider you have there. What can I do for you today?

firstprize_w3.wav Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white former slave owners. You’ll win first prize.

goingon_w3.wav Rita: What’s going on?

hatesong_w3.wav Loveless: Don’t you just HATE that song?

have2run_w3.wav Gordon: And now we have to run.

impressed_w3.wav Loveless: Gentlemen, I am truly impressed by your effort and ingenuity.

inpetuous_w3.wav Rita: He’s so impetuous… Gordon: Yes, he’s an idiot.

itworks_w3.wav Gordon: It works! IT WORKS!

knifeguy_w3.wav West: That’s it. No more Mr. knife guy.

leaveout_w3.wav West: When you’re telling this story to your grandkids, you be sure you leave this part out.

letpartybegin_w3.wav Loveless: LET THE PARTY BEGIN!

liberties_w3.wav West: Don’t take liberties with my things.

manshead1_w3.wav West: That’s a man’s head.

manshead2_w3.wav West: That’s a man’s head.

manshead3_w3.wav West: That’s… a man’s… head.

manshead4_w3.wav West: That… is a man’s… … … head!

masterofstuff_w3.wav Gordon: I can’t be calm… no no no… I’m the master of the mechanical stuff! and I have to help you. You, the master of the stupid stuff!

mechanicalstuff_w3.wav Gordon: I’m the master of the mechanical stuff! and I have to help you.

missed_w3.wav Loveless: After all that, you missed?

missedyou_w3.wav Rita: Not to give you a big head, but I kind-of missed you. [sounds like a good startup sound to me.]

missing_w3.wav Coleman: Am I missing something here?

needplan_w3.wav West: Right now, we need to have a plan.

nocostumes_w3.wav West: Jim West does not wear costumes.

notime_w3.wav West: I don’t have time for this.

notworkin_w3.wav West: I’m not workin’

now-what_w3.wav West & Gordon: Now what?

ohdear_w3.wav Loveless: Oh dear.

pants_w3.wav West: PANTS!

pocket_w3.wav West: You could put a gun on that thing. Gordon: Where would I put my pencil? West: You know, Gordon, you underestimate the convenience of a pocket.

politesociety_w3.wav Guest: Looks like we need to teach y’all a little lesson about how to behave in polite society. West: Never drum on a white lady’s boobies at a big redneck dance. Got it.

presbiz_w3.wav Coleman: Lets get on about our President’s business, shall we, gentlemen?

pushbutton_w3.wav West: Push the button.

reallyhungry_w3.wav West: That’s a desert wasp, one of the world’s greatest hunters. She’ll kill the tarantula, lay her eggs inside so her babies will have some food when they hatch. Gordon: Now I’m really hungry.

shootfirstshootlater_w3.wav President: Not every situation calls for your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, then when everybody’s dead try to ask a question or two.

slightsexchange_w3.wav Loveless & West have an exchange at the party where they slight each other in subtle ways.

smartscientists_w3.wav McGrath: And they say you scientists are supposed to be smart.

strucknerve_w3.wav Loveless: Well! That struck a nerve.

takecredit_w3.wav West: Much as I’d like to take credit for that, darlin’, you might want to hand me my gun.

thatsanewone_w3.wav Gordon: Oh! uh… that’s a new one.

theory_w3.wav Gordon: Of course, it’s only a theory. It’s never been tested.

weapon_w3.wav Gordon: My God. What kind of weapon did this?

westjimwest_w3.wav Ms. East: An authentic cowboy outfit, complete with six-guns. What a terribly clever costume, Mr… West: West, Jim West.

whatsyourplan_w3.wav Gordon: Very well. What’s your plan?

whosnext_w3.wav West: Whooo! That was fun. Which one of you boys want to strip down and go next?

yesm-massagordon_w3.wav West: Oh, why yes’m master Gordon. Oh I swears I’d be delighted. I’ll sing, I’ll dance for you. Oh, and I swears none of the other white folks will know I’d rather shoot myself than play your damn man-servant.

youreintrouble_w3.wav Gordon: My name is Artemis Gordon and, if I’m not mistaken, you’re in trouble. Allow me?